Over the past year, Another Portland Blog
has struggled to draw reader comments, the supposed life-blood of any successful blog. I've decided to run with something suggested by Pete, a long-time reader, commenter and compatriot. If posts about film festivals and beer taxes aren't going to generate feedback, maybe writing a whole bunch of crazy stuff will do the trick. So, without further ado, here's a bunch of invective specifically brewed to piss you off with some additional contributions from Pete. Here we go....
Sam Adams for governor.Beau Breedlove for mayor. Bring professional soccer, the MLB AND the NFL all to Portland.9/11 wasn't a conspiracy. 9 out of 10 dentists agree that Nutella, when combined with Twix, prevents tooth-decay and gingivitis better than Colgate.For all the new trilogy's shortcomings, Revenge of the Sith was still more entertaining than Return of the Jedi.Airborne will only make you more susceptible to influenza and cold strains and will give you herpes.A 2,000% increase in the state beer tax? Pffffft. Let's raise it 200,000%! It is the dawning of the age of $60.00 pints of Hammerhead at McMenamins!The Blazers shouldn't make any deals before the trade deadline. But we should hire someone who can teach players to defend the pick and roll.Bernie Madoff is a national treasure and an American hero.God is dead and Jesus never lived. If I'm wrong about this, they'd probably appreciate it if y'all would let gay people get hitched already. The Convention Center Hotel? A new baseball stadium in Lents? A 45-lane bridge over the Columbia? Sure, why not? Yes, yes and more yes. Bring 'em on!That camera that Bruce Springsteen slammed into with his sweat-soaked, king of rock n' roll crotch at the Super Bowl? It was askin' for it. 9/11 was an inside job.Portland Indymedia is published on the web. Only the Bourgeoisie have access to the internet. Portland Indymedia is for yuppies. Informed citizens like me get their news straight from Street Roots.Screw independent neighborhood coffeehouses, down with small businesses and to hell with farmers markets that offer locally-grown, organic produce. McFlurries and Whole Foods for all!Arrested Development? The Office? Everything Joss Whedon and JJ Abrams have ever touched? They're nothing in comparison to the brilliance of Two and a Half Men. What could Oregon really use? More Californians.
Internet trolls? Are you there? C'mon over. It's supper time!
Labels: witless satire