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Thursday, April 13, 2006

 

Mullet or not a mullet?

I thought it was all over- that everyone in the world had finally figured it out. That the fad was over and the jokes were no longer considered funny. I played my part in educating the public, setting them straight, getting the word out., etc.

But then along comes Tuesday's "Edge" column in the Oregonian's Living section. It questions the legitimacy of a statement made by Peter Hartlaub of the San Francisco Chronicle. He claims that Tom Hanks' hairdo in the upcoming film adaptation of The Da Vinci Code is a mullet.




I hold an associates degree in mullets from the University of Oregon and, after giving Hank's receding hairline a look, I can confirm the obvious:

NOT A MULLET!

To review....

MULLET:




NOT A MULLET:




Still confused? Here's the official definition, straight from Webster's New World Dictionary (ok, not really but just go with it):

Mullet: "Business in the front, party in the back." The mullet is a haircut that is short over the top of the head and long in the back. Traditionally, those sporting "the do," will grow their hair out before having the top and sides of their head heavily trimmed, leaving what appears to be a traditional buzzcut accompanied by shoulder-length hair on the back of the head. Not to be confused with a "rattail."

Speaking as someone who would rather go to a dentist than have one of those completely indifferent Suicide Girls at Bishop's come near my head with a pair of sheers, I've been accused, on a occasion, of sporting a "semi-mullet." Quite frankly, I'm tired of it. The persecution and ridicule of mislabeled mullets has gone on for far, far too long. Only through education can we bring an end to this terrible chapter in American history.

And, for the record, my haircut is a "mop," thank you kindly. It's the preferred haircut of penniless poets, the homeless, Scooby Snack addicted cartoon characters, the members of most pop-punk throwback bands, world-weary alcoholics and resides at least two ballparks over from the mullet.

Are we finally clear on this? If not, here are a few handy-dandy pointers. You may want to take notes for future reference and keep them in your wallet the next time you come across what could be, but probably isn't, a mullet.


MULLET FAQs

Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 1 -3?

Probably the most famous of all incorrectly identified mullets. Not a mullet.

Any given member of Led Zeppelin in 1973?

Since the days of their youth they were told what means to be mullet-free.

Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca in the first Star Wars?

They may be intergalactic terrorists but they all fight the Empire with absolutely no help from mullets.

Gandolf the Grey?

His hair may be shaggy but it doesn't live in Mullet Earth.

The hairspray-encrusted mop on any given male living in the '80s (Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, etc.)?

No, no and more no.

David Bowie circa Ziggy Stardust?

DING! DING! DING! Yes, that would be a mullet.

Now you know. The next time one of your friends, neighbors, employers, colleagues or clergyman misidentifies a mullet, you'll be able to slap them upside the head and set the record straight.

Spread the word.


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