Punxsutawney Phil popped out of his hole today and saw his shadow. La-de-frickin'-da. That rodent is unqualified and ill-suited for forecasting the weather nationwide. And he's gotten too big for his furry britches, if you ask me.

There, I said it.

While this lousy rodent's annual weather predictions may apply to the East Coast, they don't mean jack squat for those of us that reside out west. Last year, this self-proclaimed "weatherman" didn't accurately predict what the month of February had in store for Oregon, that's for sure. While Phil saw his shadow, suggesting we were in for six more weeks of winter, the weather out here was downright balmy. Shucks, it even got up into the 70s at one point. I was down at Cannon Beach during the first week in March and it felt like the Fourth of July.

Is this a face you can trust? Would you buy a used car from this groundhog? Of course not.

I'd like to see Phil's degree in meteorology. If he even has one, he probably bought it off the internet for $29.95. That furball probably hasn't even taken a correspondence course in the field. If pressed, I'm sure Phil couldn't tell you the difference between a cumulous cloud and a chemtrail.

While I'm the sort of blogger that likes to spread unsubstantiated gossip, this photo proves years of rumors. Punxsutawney Phil is a member of the New England Separatist Movement.

I for one am tired of being misled by this rodent's half-baked forecasts. This is why the West Coast needs its own groundhog. And what better place to hold the annual event than right here in Portland. This is a town that loves nonsensical civic events (the Rose Festival, for example). The locals would go nuts over something like this and our groundhog would no doubt be able to predict the weather with at least 10 - 15% better accuracy.

Our groundhog wouldn't even need to be a small reddish brown North American marmot. It could be anything. A woodchuck maybe. Or a kitten. Or a particularly adorable panda. Or a wise-cracking puppet. And we could hold the annual event on February 1st to get a jump on those East Coast know-it-all know-nothings.

After careful contemplation, I've come up with three potential master of ceremonies that are all regionally appropriate. Feel free to consider the advantages and disadvantages of each and vote for your favorite below. If City Hall has bail-out cash for the OHSU tram, surely it can throw down a few grand to make this happen.

Potential West Coast Groundhog # 1

A Beaver

Forecasting Method: If the beaver pops out of its hole and floods someone's backyard (like what happened to that lady on the news last week), spring is right around the corner. If it opts instead to stare blankly at the assembled crowd, we're in for six more weeks of winter.

Advantages: Beavers are the West Coast equivalent of groundhogs and everyone loves to make jokes about those charming little bastards. "Beaver Believer" t-shirts would sell like hotcakes.

Disadvantage: Logistical nightmare. May require more than one beaver to build a dam capable of flooding a backyard. Frat boys might flood the event with NSFW t-shirts.

Potential West Coast Groundhog # 2

A slug

Forecasting Method: If the slug oozes out of its hole and promptly drowns itself in a plate filled with beer, we're for another month and a fortnight of rain. If it opts instead to tediously wander around in circles, it's time to head to JC Penny's for a new swimsuit.

Advantages: Local PETA contingency probably wouldn't raise a fuss over an exploited garden slug. Full Sail or McMenamins could sponsor the event and pony up the cash for the neccessary public permits.

Disadvantages Slugs move too damn slow.

Potential West Coast Groundhog # 3

Courtney Taylor-Taylor

Method of predicting the weather: If Taylor-Taylor pops out the Odditorium muttering about having to do another %@#$#! interview with Willamette Week, winter will never end. If he heads outside and starts belly-aching about the Portland Mercury, the local temperature will actually rise above 60 degrees the following Spring Break.

Advantages: Would probably accept the gig for a sandwich bag of cocaine, a carton of Virginia Slims and a few back issues of Vice. Anton Newcombe might show up to disrupt things by kicking people in the head.

Disadvantages: Might start taking off his clothes or coming up with excuses why the Dandy Warhol's latest album has only sold thirty copies in the states. Hates Portland and meteorology too, no doubt. Probably wouldn't let Zia tag along.

OK, before I start camping out in front of City Hall with a "Bring an Annual Weather-Related Event to Portland" sign, which one of these three candidates is best suited to become the West Coast's Groundhog?

UPDATE: It's Wednesday morning and the poll is now closed. Any further votes will not be counted but the poll below has been left up because, well, why not?

Official Welcome to Blog Groundhog Poll

Which of the following might make a suitable groundhog for the West Coast? A beaver A slug Courtney Taylor-Taylor Other Current Results

The results will be revealed sometime next week, y'all.