I needed to send a fax tonight after work. I got off at 10 PM. I decided to hit the bar beforehand so I could engage in conversations like this:

"So answer me this. Harry Potter's, like, 19 in this movie, right? You read the book. He finally does the deed, right??"

"No! He's only 15 in this one."

"So he doesn't...?"

"This is a children's book."

"The movie is something like three hours long. You're telling me there's no sex in it? All those kid actors have got to be in their twenties by now. Titanic ran over three hours and it at least had boobs on the screeen for five seconds."

"Movie. Based. On. A. Bestselling. Children's. Book."

"They're calling this thing 'The Chamber of Fire.' That isn't a lame porno pun? Or a cautionary STD service announcement for the kids?

"'Goblet of Fire.'"

"Goblet. So he gets drunk for the first time?"

"No. The characters go to a ball and eat heart-shaped cookies."

"No booze? No boobs? Heart cookies? Lame. This movie isn't going to make a dime. Not one stinking dime."

Was I worried about getting to Kinkos before it closed? No. BECAUSE ALL KINKOS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY.

Maybe this has changed since FedEx entered the picture and the two companies partnered. I drove out of my way to get to the location on NW 23rd only to find a 8 AM to 11 PM sign on the door. Then to the tune of techno bongos on "The Chill Show," I rushed over to the Kinko's on 5th Avenue. Not only was it closed but the lights were off.

%$#!@!@, Portland. There was a day when I could a send fax at any hour of the day. 3 AM on Christmas Eve? No problem. But now you can't handle a quarter after twelve on a Thursday night? Sheesh.

And you want gallivant around with your fancy-schmancy condo towers and Oaks Park fashion spreads in Portland Monthly? Nope. Sorry. No dice. You don't deserve either until you bring back the 24/7 copy shops. Even Eugene has one. Eugene. Right there on 13th Avenue near the U of O campus. At least there was the last time I checked (UPDATE: "Vague" reports that the Eugene location now closes early too. Must be the FedEx merger. But I'd still rather blame Radcliffe.]

If FedEd Kinkos isn't willing to fill this nitch, someone else should. There's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be able to send a fax in the middle of the night in a "world class" city like Portland.

Danny Radcliffe, this all your fault.

Bastard.