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Monday, November 15, 2004

 

Birth

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: On Saturday I was out of town watching the Ducks lose to UCLA and the hard drive in my computer crashed on Sunday. This means I'm running even further behind on blogging than usual. Despite the unpopularity of his last movie review, I've once again passed off a movie review to Jeremy, a coworker's kid.)

Why is it that I can walk into Movie Madness and snag everything Paul Verhoeven and Robert Rodriguez have ever put on film but I can't get into an R-rated movie just because I'm 12? This is pretty stupid but I've found a way around it. I'm lucky because I'm tall (already 5'5!) and I have an old army jacket. All I have to do is smear Crisco on face, along with hair from Chairman Meow (our cat), and I'm in, no prob. If I dress sloppy, the clerk at the ticket office always thinks I'm just an underfed hipster. If an usher stops me I just say, "Pabst" over and over again. I guess it's some sort of password. Anyway, I watched Seed of Chucky three times over the weekend so I skipped social studies to ride the MAX downtown this afternoon and see Birth.

Why a crappy art film? Because Nicole Kidman is in it and she totally gets it on with someone in my age group. Actually, he's a year younger. Pretty cool but I looked Niocle up on the Internet Movie Database after the movie was over. I thought she was pretty young but she's really, really, really, really, really old. Like, 37! That's almost as old as my mom! BLEEEEEECH!




Birth is slow, super slow, like one of those crappy old Disney films they show in Biology with the cheesy narration that's, like, all, "Watch the delightful squirrel as he stuffs a million nuts (LOL nuts!) into his fat, happy cheeks." So Nicole's guy falls over like a wuss while running around in the snow at the beginning and the whole thing flashes forward ten years. Her hair is really short and she looks like a boy and she's all sad. Who can blame her? Nicole is about to marry some guy even older than her and her best friend, played by Anne Heche, looks like an alien. I kept expecting Anne to pull her face off and say something like, "GARRRRGH! I AM ANNE HECHE AND I'VE COME FROM THE PLANET ZAPHOD TO EAT YOUR HEAD, NICOLE! GARRRGH!"

Maybe that will happen in the sequel, After Birth (HA!). Instead of Anne pulling her face off to eat her head, Nicole goes crazy after the kid tells her he's her dead husband reincarnated into a chubby weirdo. They go out for ice cream and ride around in horse carriages while staring sadly at each other (YAWN!) while her family gets really angry (COOL!). In one awesome scene, her fiancée loses it during a wedding rehearsal and slams a piano into a wall. In another, Nicole hops into a bathtub with the kid. This pissed off all the critics but they should calm down because they did it all with special effects and blue screens. Losers.

All in all, Birth sucks but they do show Nicole's boobs and that's pretty cool but she's got the old guy on top of her and they show his butt so it's actually pretty lame. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that it gave me a great idea: I should really macking on rich older chicks. Instead of moping around in boring horse carriages like the kid in Birth, I'd get them to buy me everything on my Amazon wishlist. Not just Halo 2 but a Nintendo DS, a Mercedes like Nelly has and the Sacramento Kings. PSU is swarming with really old women and some of them are even old enough to buy beer! One of them is sure to fall for the "I Am Your Reincarnated Husband Now Buy Me a Bunch of Stuff" trick.

Birth: 3 evil, head-eating Anne Heches out of 10.

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