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Monday, March 15, 2004
The Great Xmas Tree Project
Behold, lady and gentlemen! My greatest experiment! I give you, The Great Xmas Tree Project.
Now we have all wondered how long your average Christmas tree will last before turning brown and/or burning down the house. The average tree is mulched on or before New Years Day. In an effort to pinpoint the exact moment a tree absolutely must be removed from a home I, yes, Still Have My Christmas Tree on Display.
So...you think I'm absolutely mad, eh? Fine, I can deal with that. My will is strong and my feelings are as impenetrable as a NBA referee. Mock me, if you must, but this experiment is purely in the interest of science and could benefit Santa worshippers world wide. Take a look at the following picture, taken only yesterday.
As you can tell, the tree is incredibly resilient. My initial hypothesis was that the tree would become unsightly and unbearable by MLK Day. It stopped consuming water around that time but its needles haven't budged. Valentine's Day came and went and now we're on the verge of St. Patrick's Day. Sometime last month, the needles adopted a slightly white paler. Other than that, the tree looks the same as the day I bought it.
Now I won't lie. This tree is dryer than the Mohave. The needles are brittle to the touch. But it still looks good and that's what matters.
Ladies and gentlemen, I may be living with the Xmas tree equivalent of Dorian Gray. Somewhere, there is a dusty portrait of a tiny fir covered in UO ducks and Snoopy ornaments.
Really, how long can it last? Could this tree actually make it to Memorial Day? Gasp! Independence Day? I may never need to buy another one. Furthermore, this tree could hold the secret to eternal life...
...or it could be an undead zombie tree. That does it. I can't trust a potentially dangerous zombie tree. The rest of this experiment will have to be conducted in a neighbor's backyard. Let him deal with the repercussions.